How to Become A Better Listener That Everyone Wants To Talk With
The art of conversation lies in listening." -Malcom Forbes
Do you consider yourself a great listener?
Or are you the type of person who does all the talking?
I thought I was. Let me share you a story
While eating in a fast-food restaurant, my girlfriend opened up about her crazy boss.
As I listened to her, I began to think about what advice I can give her. So I cut her stories and tell her, "Instead of letting stressing you out, why not forget about it and let it go. " (Of course, in Filipino, haha)
She stopped talking, staring at me and said, "Why are you acting like that? It makes me feel bad. I just want someone to listen to me."
I got angry at her and feel unappreciated. But the moment my temper cools down, I realized I was wrong. I was more concerned about my response. I failed to listen.
We are now living in a society where people have short attention spans. This makes listening to a crucial part of a conversation. But don't you worry, effective listening is a skill that you can learn and relearn.
Here are the 6 actionable tips that I’ve learned that you can practice right away.
Tip No. 1: Pay full attention
Imagine, a person busy doing things while you are talking, how does it feel? Do you feel disrespected?
When practicing effective listening, focus on the person talking.Drop your phone. Stop anything that you are doing. M. Scott Speck emphasized that "You cannot truly listen to anyone and do anything else at the same time."
Make the other person feel special by giving your 100% attention.
Tip No. 2: Show interest by asking questions
Ask for more information. Ask questions like, "Can you tell me more about (topic)? Why do you think it happens? What are your plans?" As Roy T. Bennett says, "Listen with curiosity."
As a listener, you don't have to agree on everything that the other person is telling you.
But if you want to understand his situation, learn to ask questions. Genuine concern matters most.
Tip No. 3: Don’t give advice until requested
Stephen Covey once said, "Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." It's true. And I learned it in a hard way.
The truth is they already know what they need to do. They just need someone to talk to. To vent out their feelings.
Tip No. 4: Pause before you speak
For a word to be spoken, there must be silence. Before, and after.
- Ursula K. Le Guin, A Wizard of Earthsea
Just like that, you have to be silent when someone is talking, so after he speaks.
When it's your time to speak, don't rush. Take your time. Pause for a while. Gather your thoughts.
Observed the other party. Is he is ready to listen? Does he want to add more?
Tip No. 5: Summarize the key points and repeat them.
There's a lot of difference between listening and hearing.
- G. K. Chesterton.
Mirrors back what you heard. This will assure the other party that you were listening to.
You will get an impression of "Wow, this person is listening to me." By repeating back what people say, we often show that we understand them.
Tip No. 6: Non-verbal listening includes nodding, eye contact and body language.
It may make you feel mechanical but it's the other way around.
Nodding gives the person the impression that you are listening.
Eye contact signals that "I have my full attention on you. I am with you."
Facing the person with your body in a relaxed but firm position shows that "It’s okay to tell me anything without hesitation or fear of judgment.”
Final Thoughts
After that incident, I promised myself to be a great listener. I realized that mastering the art of listening is essential in building positive relationships in the family, work, and life in general.
You will notice that the more you listen, the more you learn about the situation. The more you learn about the situation, the more you learn about other people. (And my girlfriend become sweeter 😉)
I realized that every conversation starts and ends in listening.
In this noisy world, everyone wants to talk but few people want to listen. But you can be different. By practicing the tips above, you can be a great listener.
